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Am I the Toxic Friend?

Recently, I’ve been studying the friendships and the associates I’ve established throughout my life. I ponder why is it I have not been gifted a lifelong friend. Is it possible to build a glorious life without that personal shoulder to lean on? You know that someone who knows you from inside and out that is aware of your quirks, perks, fears, and instabilities.

Am I created to journey by myself in a jungle which I have no compass of survival?

Who takes the liability for my seclusion of this course with continuous modifications? The responsibility for my behavior is humiliating and instructive to my depression. Releasing the chains and unfasten the shackles has become my motto.

The premise of my life story is a microscopic habitat veiled neglected and alone.

Did I really need therapy to signify that I have been a people pleaser? That I held it upon myself to carry out other folks’ happiness at my expense. God did not cast me as a character to play his sidekick. The God I know is God alone and does not require anyone's help.

I took it upon myself to take up the fragments of other debris. It’s transparent that my mission is induced to pay the way, pave the way, and become the way. That sounds like a God thing to me.

How could I had conceivably have assumed I could boss over someone else’s circumstance? Thinking I materialized being a bona fide friend. Hindering, handicapping, and restricting are what I accomplished. That is not beneficial to seize someone from fighting their own battles. Everybody needs to ascend to their own mountains, learn their strengths, and recognize their inner powers.

It's not loving of me to maintain my life as an imperceptible woman. I am constantly lost. To be someone’s go-to person is not destiny or who I am supposed to be. I realized being me is where I reign supreme.

With the help of counseling, I realized my comrades did not value me. Their divulgences did not include me personally. The invitations sent out did not make allowance for yours truly. Seldom were there a seat reserved for this gal. Yet, I played the game. As if I expected nothing from anyone. I masked my vulnerabilities because knowingly I would be dismissed.

Now I ask why did I oblige myself to be disavowed. Why did I approve of this treason? What could the purpose be? What good came of it? How do I justify rejecting my purpose to be a part of others’ unsympathetic lives?

People pleaser, push over, doormat and a yes-woman merely express a chunk of what I had become. Party friend, movie companion, skating pal, etc. I became essentially a backup plan for an involuntary reserve. this uncovering of truth leads me to a thunderous cry.

My Therapist referred to me as their mistress because I constantly found out about their lives online. I approved the flippancy, the death of my dignity, and the outright discourtesies. For that reason, I conclude I do not deserve an apology from them I have to make amends to me, myself and I.

Since we all have departed, we have to let go of the garbage or we will greet new acquaintances with our mess. Bringing over unpacked luggage makes for a cluttered and screwed relationship. A correspondence of disarray if we enter alliances with our defiance's. Are yes’m attitudes and entitlements will not go over very well.

Everyone has to fix what is broken in their spirits, minds, and souls. Keep expectations realistic. No one should accept anything for anyone that they will not do the same.

An impassioned invalidation for not perceiving my worth. By occupying the lie that my emotions did not matter. Let’s face it I can not place blame or judge anyone characters, for I was the weakest link for my accountability. I gave away my power, silenced my voice, and believed I could not live life without toxicity.

Many times, I have sent out invitations to celebrate my successes just to be greeted with excuses and rejections. To this day my greatest accomplishments were celebrated alone. That is a shame on me for allowing in toxicity. Now, Answering their uncompassionate enquiries with a powerful “No.” became the gateway to my up rise. I never communicated my realization of how I suffered from being their everything; because they all callously walked away.

The bible says it is better to rebuke than to flatter. I own up to my part for not reprimanding the self-absorbedness that my cronies possessed. Loving me is my responsibility I can’t give that assignment to anyone else. If we do not get rid of our baggage, then we carry that stench to the next. The possessions that are prolonging our advancement in life have to cease to exist.

The antagonists in my life’s story all have transferred to another academy of disciplinary hopefully they stumble upon their truth. This includes me as well. I am the narrator of my life’s chronicles. I too must pursue a worthier me in my unique academy. This is the only way to baccalaureate our vitality.

Here is what I prayed:

Heavenly Father, give me the courage to turn aside from those in my life who add no substantial importance. Even if that somebody is me, help me forsake things within that are counterproductive to my growth. Please grant me the wisdom and foresight to perceive this and act accordingly. I come to you to help eliminate all bad influences in my life. Help me uncover my strength and the courage to step into it.

This is my Journey!!

This is my journey.

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