Life is beautifully wonderful. You’d never perceive what is going to happen moment by moment as you write your life story. I birthed a son to nurture, love, and protect. The tables have turned where he leads me to revelation of my characteristics and speaks declarations of enlightenment over my life.
I bear no shame because I have confessed how I did not feel worthy of what God has created me to be, being why I allowed the things that happened in my life, in which he was caught up in the wakes of my decisions. We have been through a great deal together and we have both been on the battlefields searching for our truths. It is awesomely awkward when your child says, “I am proud of what you have become.”
I was not helping anyone by staying stuck in self-recrimination and shame. When I hurt someone I love, whether I intended to, it felt impossible to forgive myself.
My son once told me, “The reason these things keep happening to you is of what you think of yourself.”
He says, “If you don’t love you who else is gonna do what you cannot do for yourself? "
I cried because I knew what he spoke was a hard truth. How do I put myself first when I was always the last one chosen? Shamefully, I was taught to leave myself out of my story and dance for the masters of deceit. I Should have been in the front where I can shine. After all, it’s my debut I am the headline.
As a mother, dealing with the fact that I have caused my child harm is one of the hardest things I have ever done. It is so simple to say, “I was constantly doing the best I could do.” And it is true. I could only love my kid as much as I had to give.
It does not remove the residue
Of my child
Watching me do
Unimaginable violations of self-hate
becoming the bate
being passed empty plates
He observed, and he saw my life
Being broken down, trampled on and ripped apart
and me carrying out emotional suicide
He watched as my fizzle drizzled
turning into gloom where I formerly sizzled
I had no fight left in me
I presented myself to the enemy
Drowning my sorrows with bottles of alcohol
Crawling to an unexpected grave
shackled to the pains of yesterday
Taking totes of smoke
Trying to provoke
Life back to my soul
Every time I tried to hide
my life coach
Was right by my side.
I never was running from him
This he knew
I could not look him in the eyes
as I continued to live the lies
Of shame and self hate.
He finally realized that he could not save me
He had to walk away.
I’ve seen it all
from your first kicks
To your first touch down
You may have thought back then
you knew it all,
but I’ve seen more of you
than you ever knew.
I cringe from the times I hurt you
Why you packed your bags
you had to leave
It was hard for me to watch you go
I chose to live in misery
Than to help you through your journey
You watched me fight through depression
Struggling and studying to learn my lesson
Finding the power
While I was being empowered
By you my one and only son.
God makes no mistakes although we have lost some battles, but together we are winning the war!