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Mommy, Son & Making Milestones

Updated: Oct 15, 2022

Life is beautifully wonderful. You’d never perceive what is going to happen moment by moment as you write your life story. I birthed a son to nurture, love, and protect. The tables have turned where he leads me to revelation of my characteristics and speaks declarations of enlightenment over my life.

I bear no shame because I have confessed how I did not feel worthy of what God has created me to be, being why I allowed the things that happened in my life, in which he was caught up in the wakes of my decisions. We have been through a great deal together and we have both been on the battlefields searching for our truths. It is awesomely awkward when your child says, “I am proud of what you have become.”

I was not helping anyone by staying stuck in self-recrimination and shame. When I hurt someone I love, whether I intended to, it felt impossible to forgive myself.

My son once told me, “The reason these things keep happening to you is of what you think of yourself.”

He says, “If you don’t love you who else is gonna do what you cannot do for yourself? "

I cried because I knew what he spoke was a hard truth. How do I put myself first when I was always the last one chosen? Shamefully, I was taught to leave myself out of my story and dance for the masters of deceit. I Should have been in the front where I can shine. After all, it’s my debut I am the headline.

As a mother, dealing with the fact that I have caused my child harm is one of the hardest things I have ever done. It is so simple to say, “I was constantly doing the best I could do.” And it is true. I could only love my kid as much as I had to give.

It does not remove the residue

Of my child

Watching me do

Unimaginable violations of self-hate

becoming the bate

being passed empty plates

He observed, and he saw my life

Being broken down, trampled on and ripped apart

and me carrying out emotional suicide

He watched as my fizzle drizzled

turning into gloom where I formerly sizzled

I had no fight left in me

I presented myself to the enemy

Drowning my sorrows with bottles of alcohol

Crawling to an unexpected grave

shackled to the pains of yesterday

Taking totes of smoke

Trying to provoke

Life back to my soul

Every time I tried to hide

my life coach

Was right by my side.

I never was running from him

This he knew

I could not look him in the eyes

as I continued to live the lies

Of shame and self hate.

He finally realized that he could not save me

He had to walk away.

I’ve seen it all

from your first kicks

To your first touch down

You may have thought back then

you knew it all,

but I’ve seen more of you

than you ever knew.

I cringe from the times I hurt you

Believe me

I perceived

Why you packed your bags

you had to leave

It was hard for me to watch you go

I chose to live in misery

Than to help you through your journey

You watched me fight through depression

Struggling and studying to learn my lesson

Finding the power

While I was being empowered

By you my one and only son.

God makes no mistakes although we have lost some battles, but together we are winning the war!

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